How you can help

IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT YOU ARE CONCERNED ABOUT...

1. Has your friend suddenly changed? If your friend is a student, have his/her grades suddenly dropped since they started dating their new partner?  Have your friend’s habits changed, and is he/she not involved in favorite activities or seeing close friends and family as often as before?
   
   
2. Does your friend’s partner have a history of abuse?  If your friend’s partner has a history of being violent in his/her past relationships, it is possible that he/she will repeat that abusive behavior.
   
   
3. Has your friend expressed concern to you?  If your friend has told you he/she is scared or that his/her partner was causing worry, take it seriously.  He/she may be reaching out to you for help.
   
   
4. Does your friend’s partner seem to hold all the power in the relationship?  A respectful and equal relationship should always share the responsibility of decision-making.  If your friend’s partner is calling all of the shots and your friend has to get the partner’s ‘approval’ for decisions, this is a warning sign of a potentially abusive relationship. 

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above questions, and would like more information on how to help your friend, read on for ideas on how to reach out to the people you care about.  Remember, you can always call Close to Home at 617.929.5151 to find out additional ways in which you can be a supportive friend for the person you care about.  Finally, more information is available by contacting the free, confidential hotlines or visiting the websites listed under Resources: Phone Numbers and Websites.

TIPS ON HOW TO REACH OUT AND HAVE CONVERSATIONS
Close to Home worked closely with a group of residents who felt it was important that people know how to reach out to other people who may be in an abusive situation.

These tips are meant to be guidelines and can even help you arrive at your own ways of reaching out to others. These are suggestions and have worked for others in the past, but each and every situation is different and needs to be evaluated for safety reasons.  Never put yourself in an unsafe or uncomfortable position.  Remember that in an emergency, call 9-1-1 for immediate assistance.

1. Build Trust
   Strong relationships are built on trust.  If you want to reach out and support a person you care about who is living in a domestic violence situation, make sure that you are a person that has earned their trust and friendship.  The following tips may help you to begin to build that relationship.
   
   • Start slowly
   People who are experiencing abuse may not know who to turn to or where they can go to for help.  Because of this, make it a priority to invest in building a relationship with the person you are trying to lend support to.  Remember to start slowly. 
   
   • Make it a point to listen
   Many times what a person who is experiencing abuse wants most is a listening ear.  As others have said, you may not need to do a lot of talking in the beginning, but being there to provide him/her with a listening ear may be all he/she needs. 
   
   • Find ways to build a relationship
   If you are concerned about an individual, but do not know him/her very well, make it a point to build a relationship!  Simple things like a ‘good morning’ or a ‘hello’ let others know you are there, you are reaching out, and that possibly you are someone he/she can come talk to.  Sometimes, the everyday objects are the perfect way to start building relationships, and ultimately friendships, with people.  As our Public Awareness Campaign pointed out, sometimes playing a game of soccer with someone or inviting him/her to sit down and have a cup of coffee is the best way to start a relationship. 
   
   
2. Be Non-Judgmental
   Though you may have the best intentions to help someone, please make sure that you remain as non-judgmental as possible. The following are points to keep in mind:
   
   • Do not impose your own decisions: It is fine for you to offer helpful suggestions or your own opinions, but please refrain from telling the person what he/she should do in any forceful way.  Oftentimes, people experiencing abuse have been stripped of their right to make their own decisions for their life.  Even though you may have the best intentions, allow your friend to make his/her own decisions.
   
   • Refrain from placing blame: Many times a victim has been blamed repeatedly for the abuse, both by the abuser and by the silence society shrouds domestic violence in.  Never in any way suggest that abuse is the victim’s fault—there is never any reason for abuse.  Do not be victim-blaming.
   
   Just as it is important not to blame the victim for the abuse, refrain from blaming the abuser as well. To do so may be to insult a person your friend still loves and who is still important to your friend’s life.  Focusing on finding a person to place the blame on also distracts from the larger and more important concern—helping your friend realize that no one deserves to be abused and helping him/her to move towards more safety. 

3. Be Supportive
   For those going through abuse in their relationships, it is particularly important that you are a supportive person they can depend on. Keep the following tips in mind:
   
   • Offer concrete ways on how you are willing to help: In offering your support to someone, it is also important to let that person know of concrete ways how you are willing to help. 
   
   • Offer only what you are able to do: Remember to offer support to your friend only in ways that you are able and willing to do.  It is important to follow through on what you say you will do so that your friend can know you are a person that can be counted on.
   
   • Respect their decisions: Even if your friend makes a decision that you do not agree with (for instance, remaining in the relationship) respect that it is his/her decision.  It is important that you remain constant in your support, even if you may not agree, so that he/she knows you are dependable. Even if he/she may not be able to make steps towards safety in the moment, by providing constant support you will be there for him/her when ready.

4. Let them Know They Are Not Alone
   People experiencing abuse may have been isolated from friends and the community by their partner, and may feel alone.  Ease their isolation by letting them know they are not alone.
   
   • Let them know they are not the only ones going through abuse: People being hurt in their relationships may feel like no one can understand them and that they are the only ones experiencing abuse.  Yet, statistics show that 1 out of every 3 women will experience violence in their lives. Additionally, violence also affects countless men, children, senior citizens and members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community.  Let your friend know that there are other people out there going through the same struggles, and that he/she is not alone.
   
   •Let them know you care and are there for them: You can also ease your friend’s isolation by letting him/her know you are there and that you are willing to help.  Supportive statements like “I am here for you” or “You can count on me” can make a world of difference for an individual going through abuse.

5. Offer information
   Sometimes people in abusive relationships may not have all the information they need to get help and resources.  You can help them access that information.
   
   • Provide information on what domestic violence is: Misinformation and social norms may tell people that violence is a normal and regular part of any relationship. You can let your friend know that what he/ she is experiencing has a name—domestic violence—that it is wrong, and there are resources out there for help.  Provide your friend with this information so he/she can make important, informed decisions for his/her life.
   
   • Provide information on important resources
   People may not know that resources exist for domestic violence.  Providing people with information about support services (such as the phone numbers and addresses of local shelters, advocates, and legal advice) may give them an opportunity to access the services they need.