Recognizing the signs

People often do not talk about whether they are in an abusive situation because of the fear, shame, and stigma that surrounds the issue. Yet, many abusive relationships will have signs that are noticeable by others. Whether you are in a relationship or have a friend who is, take out time to learn the signs of domestic and dating violence so that you can access services and provide support if necessary. Below are questions regarding warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship. Take time to answer them!

If You Are In A Relationship…

1. Does your partner have a history of abusive behavior?  If your partner reveals to you that he/she has a history of violent behavior in relationships, it is possible for him/her to repeat that abusive behavior in your current relationship.
   
   
2. Does your partner talk disrespectfully of their past partners?  Does your partner talk degradingly about or call his/her past partners, or call them names?  Does he/she place blame and guilt on past partners?  Being degrading to past partners is a warning sign of potentially disrespectful or harmful behavior in your relationship.
   
   
Does your partner make all of your decisions?  Decision-making responsibility should always be shared equally in a relationship.  Just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t give anyone else the power to tell you what to do.  If your partner makes all of your decisions, it could be that he/she is not respecting you and is controlling you.


4. Are you afraid of your partner?  If you are often worried and scared about disappointing your partner or making him/her angry, you could be in an abusive relationship.
   
   
5. Did you get involved deeply very quickly?  If you are with a partner who is quick to get involved, and also pressures you to do the same, you may be with a potentially abusive partner. 
   
   
6. Does your partner make you feel guilty?  Does your partner continuously place blame on you for the relationship’s problems or find fault with you? 

If after answering the questions above you’d like to learn more about available services and resources, or would just like to talk to somebody to receive more information, you can call the free, confidential hotlines or visit the websites listed under Resources: Phone numbers and websites.  Also, remember that you can call Close to Home at 617.929.5151 to find someone to talk to and get more information.

SAFETY PLANNING
If you are in or have been in a relationship with abuse, it is important to take a few moments to consider Safety Planning.  Creating a personalized safety plan will allow you to assess and understand your situation and prepare for emergencies should they arise.  Having a prepared safety plan in place will allow you to handle emergencies to the best of your ability for you and your family’s safety.

For additional information about preparing an effective safety plan, please call your local domestic violence program, the Massachusetts-wide SafeLink hotline at 1.877.785.2020, or visit the ‘safety planning’ sections of one of the websites listed in the Resources: Phone Numbers and Websites section.  You can also call Close to Home at 617.929.5151 for additional suggestions and more information.

Safety Planning for Those Who Are Being Hurt in Their Family or Relationship
If you are being abused in your current relationship, take a few moments to answer the following questions.  Knowing the answers will help you keep you and your family safe to the utmost of your ability.

1. Should an emergency arise, is there somebody you trust who you can go to? If you have children, is this also a safe place for them to go to?

2. What are some important phone numbers to keep handy?  Have you memorized these numbers?  Do your children know who they can call for help?

3. Are your neighbors people you can rely on and trust?  Would they be willing to call the police should they see or hear a situation happening at your home?

4. Is there a trusted person you can call for help?  It may be important to have a code word to use with this friend and your children.  Tell your friend and children that when this code word is used, it is an emergency and they should call 9-1-1 for help.

5. Have you prepared important documents and personal items to take along with you in case you need to leave immediately?  If you cannot keep these items at home, can you keep it with a trusted friend?  The following list are some items to consider taking with you:

1. Drivers License
2. Car Registration
3. Restraining Order or Personal Protection Order
4. Passport
5. Social Security Card
6. Medical Records
7. Public Assistance Documents and Identification
8. Police Records
9. Monetary items (checkbook, cash, ATM card, credit cards, etc)
10. Keys (House and Car)
11. Clothing
12. Children’s favorite things (books, stuffed animals)
13. Medication
14. Address Book with Important Phone Numbers
15. Cell Phone
16. Leases

Safety Planning for Those Who Have Left Abusive Relationships…
If you have left an abusive relationship, it is still important for you to assess your current situation and plan for your continued safety.  In addition to the list of questions above, consider the following:

1. Do you have a friend/neighbor you can trust who will continue to look out for you and your safety, and is willing to call for help in cases of emergency?  If you are living in a different community, would they be able to recognize and look out for your abuser?

2. If you are still living in the same home and using the same car, consider changing the locks to both.

3. Keep important documents and personal items in a safe and in a location you can access immediately.  The above list will give you ideas on important items.

4. If you need to talk to your former abuser partner, make sure you talk only in safe and public settings.